So, as the piano gradually begins I look up at the endlessly setting sun and it shines purity upon my face. Squinting to protect my perspective, I gaze over the tattered rooftops knowing that only my eyes can peer upon this sight to be seen as it will never be this moment again and I am painfully aware it cannot be shared even if that is what I wanted to do. Soon the soft strums of a guitar gently glide in and the sun fully submerges beneath the dangling tree branches and grossly painted apartment buildings. Quickly I am blanketed by the translucent clouds and faint city stars, each one being a reminder that my present is soon to be my past and I am stuck here knowing my past will be my future unless I rise with the sun again tomorrow and choose to set my new day in motion with a purpose. Not the purpose of life, survival or continuation on the same path as each day before like we all seem to be striving for but instead mending the past and overthrowing all that I have accepted as truths and branded into mind as fact. That is when I hear the heavy beat of a drum or possibly my heart pounding against its boney cage, either way I hear it so clearly and evening has somehow drifted to midnight and the shroud of darkness has become my refuge.
Tags: Day, Emotions, heart, love, Mind, music, Night, Poetry, purpose, refuge, stars, sun, survivial, thought, Thoughts, Writing
I see the color come to focus
And the sunsets burn like bright explosions
I can feel her running in my soul
Though I am stuck here growing cold
I plead with you please take it slow
For I am young but much too old
To be jumping out of speeding cars
And filling up at empty bars
Freedom found comes with a cost
Now never have I felt so lost.
Tags: Bipolar, Daughter, daughters, depression, Family, Fun, Happiness, joy, Life, love, Madness, mania, Memories, Mom, Mothers, Poems, Poetry, Writing
Life is a whirl, Life is the wind
She smiles and dashes, dances and spins
Her legs run off as she slightly grins
And she has washed away my sins
Again, again how I forget
That the life inside it never ends
And to her heart I must just tend
So I can remember, again and again.
Her tiny hands embrace my face
And my past has left a single trace
Though we both lack of simple grace
I know that she is where, I hold my faith.
Tags: Anxiety, Bi-polar, Bipolar, Emotions, Family, Feelings, free write, Life, love, Mom, poem, Poetry, Relationships, Struggle, Thoughts, Writing
When darkness fills this wild life
Shatter all the petty lights
And throw them in the air tonight
The stars will shine so damn bright
And we will live just this on life
Filled with love and passing time
I am the sturdy stable ride
But you’re the wild by my side
So be brave beneath the stars tonight
For if we choose we’ll see the light
Because when darkness fills this life
We will shatter all the petty lights
And throw then in the air tonight
The stars will shine, so damn bright
And we will embrace this wild life.
Well let’s face it,
I am unwell
But I am well acquainted with this notion
Which you can easily tell
So Fear not for me
Please do not dwell
Rock bottom is my very own personal hell.
Madness is a monster
And my mind just needs some time
While I strip myself,
Myself of all my selfish grime
And the battle is what I live for
So I wont lose my life,
But who’s to say when one will,
Or will not die.
So this one is a little different as I am sure you can tell from my normal form of writing but it’s interesting in that it is raw and unfiltered because I am not so afraid of posting loosely anymore. In defense of my writing from time to time it gets a bit morbid or dark but that is how I cope with those dark times and being able to share that part of me is very important for myself and for those who turn to the internet looking for someone who is going through what they are going through, or feeling some of the same things, but who is expressing them and finding ways to cope and continuing to live everyday. I am not saying my wiring is going to change anything in this world, but I do know that there are several people out there who suffer from some of the same intense emotions and spurts of darkness and to know you are not fighting those battles alone is like a tiny saving grace and comfort during those times. I do NOT, in any way, shape or form condone suicide or self abuse though previously I did struggle with both, writing was and will continue to be my way to let all that is pent up inside of me, out.
Fun fact about my writing and/or myself.
#1. If you read or read into my writing you will understand that each one has a lesson I have learned in this life or has a sense of light no matter how dark it is. In this one here it is simple I tell you right in the closing “so I wont lose my life, but who’s to say when one will, or will not die” which I telling you (the reader) that I know I am not the one who gets to choose I could die at any time, but I wont lose my life or my grasp on life.
#2. I do not edit or add to a piece of writing after it has been saved except spelling errors. I often miss letters like forgetting an “s” at the end of some word because I have reread it so many times and I know exactly what it should say so I read it as it is in my mind instead of the actual visual on paper or the computer.
#3. I follow no guidelines in my writing, I just write what I feel and think and sometimes it drives me crazy that so many of my poems come out rhyming. It is unintentional emotional expression.
Posted: November 6, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: Anxiety, art, bipoar, BPD, coping, Darkness, Day, Emotions, expression, Faith, Family, Feelings, free write, Fun, gender, guidelines, Hate, heart, Her, Him, inspiration, Life, Living, love, Madness, Manic Depression, me, Night, normal, poem, Poems, Poetry, Raw, reality, Rhyming, Self, self abuse, self harm, suicide, View, visual, Writing, You
Tags: beauty, belief, Bipolar, Death, depression, Emotions, Faith, Family, fear, fearless, Feelings, free write, freewrite, God, heart, heaven, inspiration, Life, love, mania, Manic Depression, Medication, Poetry, sadness, sickness, skin, soul, suicide, View, views
The sky lingers grey
As the evergreens sway
And the wind sweeps on thru
With all my pictures of you
Now I’ve got nothing,
And nothing to lose.
So I stand with my feet at the edge
My toes hang over, I live on this ledge
As dark falls around I stand so still
Spreading my arms and fighting my will.
I gently close my eyes and pray
As the soothing breeze cools my face
My cheeks still red with contempt and desire
My souls a wreck and my hearts on fire.
The depth of the storm is creeping in
As the icy rain caresses my skin
I see the rivers rush from the mountaintop
And now my choices can’t be stopped
The sun bares the weight of my life begun
As I breathe it in, snow falls on my tongue
Yes I have seen this view before
There is only one last step to God’s front door.
Tags: Anger, Bipolar, BPD, brokenheart, brokenhearts, depression, Emotions, fear, freewrite, Happiness, loss, love, pain, poem, Poems, Poetry, read, reading, sadness, Writing
Strike a match on the box and watch it burn
A small flame like ours just fighting to be heard
We turned our love into a wildfire
We saw it flourish and never thought it would tire
Felt it burn this city down
But as the rain came fallin’ we watched it burn out.