Well let’s face it,
I am unwell
But I am well acquainted with this notion
Which you can easily tell
So Fear not for me
Please do not dwell
Rock bottom is my very own personal hell.
Madness is a monster
And my mind just needs some time
While I strip myself,
Myself of all my selfish grime
And the battle is what I live for
So I wont lose my life,
But who’s to say when one will,
Or will not die.
So this one is a little different as I am sure you can tell from my normal form of writing but it’s interesting in that it is raw and unfiltered because I am not so afraid of posting loosely anymore. In defense of my writing from time to time it gets a bit morbid or dark but that is how I cope with those dark times and being able to share that part of me is very important for myself and for those who turn to the internet looking for someone who is going through what they are going through, or feeling some of the same things, but who is expressing them and finding ways to cope and continuing to live everyday. I am not saying my wiring is going to change anything in this world, but I do know that there are several people out there who suffer from some of the same intense emotions and spurts of darkness and to know you are not fighting those battles alone is like a tiny saving grace and comfort during those times. I do NOT, in any way, shape or form condone suicide or self abuse though previously I did struggle with both, writing was and will continue to be my way to let all that is pent up inside of me, out.
Fun fact about my writing and/or myself.
#1. If you read or read into my writing you will understand that each one has a lesson I have learned in this life or has a sense of light no matter how dark it is. In this one here it is simple I tell you right in the closing “so I wont lose my life, but who’s to say when one will, or will not die” which I telling you (the reader) that I know I am not the one who gets to choose I could die at any time, but I wont lose my life or my grasp on life.
#2. I do not edit or add to a piece of writing after it has been saved except spelling errors. I often miss letters like forgetting an “s” at the end of some word because I have reread it so many times and I know exactly what it should say so I read it as it is in my mind instead of the actual visual on paper or the computer.
#3. I follow no guidelines in my writing, I just write what I feel and think and sometimes it drives me crazy that so many of my poems come out rhyming. It is unintentional emotional expression.
Posted: November 6, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: Anxiety, art, bipoar, BPD, coping, Darkness, Day, Emotions, expression, Faith, Family, Feelings, free write, Fun, gender, guidelines, Hate, heart, Her, Him, inspiration, Life, Living, love, Madness, Manic Depression, me, Night, normal, poem, Poems, Poetry, Raw, reality, Rhyming, Self, self abuse, self harm, suicide, View, visual, Writing, You
Posted: November 2, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: beauty, belief, Bipolar, Death, depression, Emotions, Faith, Family, fear, fearless, Feelings, free write, freewrite, God, heart, heaven, inspiration, Life, love, mania, Manic Depression, Medication, Poetry, sadness, sickness, skin, soul, suicide, View, views
The sky lingers grey
As the evergreens sway
And the wind sweeps on thru
With all my pictures of you
Now I’ve got nothing,
And nothing to lose.
So I stand with my feet at the edge
My toes hang over, I live on this ledge
As dark falls around I stand so still
Spreading my arms and fighting my will.
I gently close my eyes and pray
As the soothing breeze cools my face
My cheeks still red with contempt and desire
My souls a wreck and my hearts on fire.
The depth of the storm is creeping in
As the icy rain caresses my skin
I see the rivers rush from the mountaintop
And now my choices can’t be stopped
The sun bares the weight of my life begun
As I breathe it in, snow falls on my tongue
Yes I have seen this view before
There is only one last step to God’s front door.
Posted: November 2, 2013 in Poetry, Uncategorized
Tags: Anger, Bipolar, BPD, brokenheart, brokenhearts, depression, Emotions, fear, freewrite, Happiness, loss, love, pain, poem, Poems, Poetry, read, reading, sadness, Writing
Strike a match on the box and watch it burn
A small flame like ours just fighting to be heard
We turned our love into a wildfire
We saw it flourish and never thought it would tire
Felt it burn this city down
But as the rain came fallin’ we watched it burn out.
Posted: October 31, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: Anger, Bipolar, BPD, fear, free write, freewrite, inspiration, joy, Life, loss, love, Men, Opinions, poem, Poems, Poetry, View, Writing
Your confidence is complicating
You walk in here with your eyes portraying
The man you like to think you are
With your fancy clothes and fancy car
You flash your smile all about
To intimidate the ones with doubt
And I too was scared at first
Until I heard you use your words.
Posted: October 30, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: Anger, Bipolar, Borderline Personality disorder, BPD, Emotions, Family, fear, free write, freewrite, Happiness, Heartache, Heartbreak, joy, Laughter, lesbian, loss, love, Manic Depression, Memories, Mental health, pain, poem, Poems, Poetry, prose, self control, sorrow, Thoughts, Writing
I wish my hands were those of a piano player, as my fingertips would brush your keys you would hear the melody of me. I wish my tears would dance like the rain, and as I wept you would stroll calmly thru. I wish my eyes would shine like a lightning strike so when I glanced at you, you would know the depth of my truths. I wish my voice was a thunderstorm and when I spoke it crackled through you…
Your gaze stops me in my tracks
That simple smile, that fierce laugh
Are the undertow of what I don’t have.
I ache though all my lanky limbs
Because when your fingers graze
Across my rough skin
It’s all I can do, to not sink within
I close my eyes, but don’t have much to share
As I imagine your perfectly windswept hair
But even when you are not, I feel you there.
Posted: October 25, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: Bipolar, coping, depression, depth, emotion, Emotions, free write, freewrite, heart, Hope, inspiration, journey, Life, loss, love, mental illness, mood, mood swings, pain, Poems, Poetry, Writing
Somehow, someway some wires must have crossed
Because my soul lacks of feeling and I keep getting lost
There is a great distance from my heart to my mind
Now graciously pumping emotions through my blood line.