I am afraid, afraid that I will see him and collapse right where my feet stand planted on the slick street. Afraid that he will overwhelm me and take the strength I have mended and recovered these past years. I am scared because for years and years I allowed him to use me as i fell into his imagined allure, I could not say no especially while looking into his seemingly sincere eyes. I viewed him as safety though he in himself was the most volatile object in my life. I know this now but when he is near my clarity vanishes, my thoughts become unmanageable and fog shields my eyes from the truth. He is just one man, one man with a great deal of power because I give it to him, I give him the power because he leaves me frightened and confused. Nobody stands beside me, but behind me is a budding crowd of the onlookers called strength and weakness that continue to leer over my heavy shoulders. I know he will be near, and that day will come with as much fear as pride in my heart. I will sit and lose myself in the sounds of each passing car lingering in thought, wondering if it is him or how close he may be if it is not. I will watch for onlookers and question where he could be and if he might be leering in on me and my thoughts on my afternoon smoke break, just watching and waiting for me to notice or feel his eyes weighing heavy on me from afar.
I once was a young and innocent child until this man swooped into my quickly changing life and portrayed himself as some sort of superhero. I believed it, I believed it with every inch of my soul because I had lost everything else to believe in. I probably even put it into my own head in the beginning, thinking he was going to save me from the hand that life had dealt. I am now a woman, through the years that have now passed I carried his unborn child to term and brought her into this world without so much as a word from him after his disappearing act. I am a mother, I have diapered, fed, soothed and loved his child for more then four years with no sight of him. I am a housekeeper, cleaning, dusting, and washing mountains of tiny pink clothes. I am a provider, I show up to work everyday, bring food home and pay all the bills. I am a chef, serving meal after meal filling both her and my belly’s everyday, and I am a writer as I sit here writing this for the world.
I know he will be near and I will no longer be any of these things, I will simply fall right back into being that scared little girl in the middle of a wild storm that brews only in my mind, waiting only for defeat to wear me down and bracing for the worst. The only hope I hold for this day is knowing this…
As the dust settles my eyes are wide, unaware of what had happened and the cause of this abrupt eruption. I was over elated to be seeing and breathing again, the fresh summer breeze, the pine needles and pollen dancing about in the sky and the ever so clear highway in front of me. After each terrific storm there is a clearing, a light that flickers with hope and existence that allows me to move forward and continue on with my journey, this I know for certain.