Afraid.

I am afraid, afraid that I will see him and collapse right where my feet stand planted on the slick street. Afraid that he will overwhelm me and take the strength I have mended and recovered these past years. I am scared because for years and years I allowed him to use me as i fell into his imagined allure, I could not say no especially while looking into his seemingly sincere eyes. I viewed him as safety though he in himself was the most volatile object in my life. I know this now but when he is near my clarity vanishes, my thoughts become unmanageable and fog shields my eyes from the truth. He is just one man, one man with a great deal of power because I give it to him, I give him the power because he leaves me frightened and confused. Nobody stands beside me, but behind me is a budding crowd of the onlookers called strength and weakness that continue to leer over my heavy shoulders. I know he will be near, and that day will come with as much fear as pride in my heart. I will sit and lose myself in the sounds of each passing car lingering in thought, wondering if it is him or how close he may be if it is not. I will watch for onlookers and question where he could be and if he might be leering in on me and my thoughts on my afternoon smoke break, just watching and waiting for me to notice or feel his eyes weighing heavy on me from afar.

I once was a young and innocent child until this man swooped into my quickly changing life and portrayed himself as some sort of superhero. I believed it, I believed it with every inch of my soul because I had lost everything else to believe in. I probably even put it into my own head in the beginning, thinking he was going to save me from the hand that life had dealt. I am now a woman, through the years that have now passed I carried his unborn child to term and brought her into this world without so much as a word from him after his disappearing act. I am a mother, I have diapered, fed, soothed and loved his child for more then four years with no sight of him. I am a housekeeper, cleaning, dusting, and washing mountains of tiny pink clothes. I am a provider, I show up to work everyday, bring food home and pay all the bills. I am a chef, serving meal after meal filling both her and my bellyโ€™s everyday, and I am a writer as I sit here writing this for the world.

I know he will be near and I will no longer be any of these things, I will simply fall right back into being that scared little girl in the middle of a wild storm that brews only in my mind, waiting only for defeat to wear me down and bracing for the worst. The only hope I hold for this day is knowing this…

As the dust settles my eyes are wide, unaware of what had happened and the cause of this abrupt eruption. I was over elated to be seeing and breathing again, the fresh summer breeze, the pine needles and pollen dancing about in the sky and the ever so clear highway in front of me. After each terrific storm there is a clearing, a light that flickers with hope and existence that allows me to move forward and continue on with my journey, this I know for certain.Image

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24 thoughts on “Afraid.

    • Thank you very much, i will continue to write though this whole blogging thing is all very new to me. I am only 5 days in and already very overwhelmed by the kind words and support. I really appreciate your words, and your writing as well.

      • Thank you again ellen, i was not sure how my blogging was going as i am not sure what the standards are between well and not so well but i am enjoying it none the less. I hope one day to be a published writer, but that goal seemed a little overwhelming especially since i have been very selfish with my writing and seldom share it with others. So i decided a blog would be the best place to start because i honestly have no idea where i sit in the scale of writers. Ellen, i admire how open you are in your writing the honesty is truely amazing. I just got the oppertunity to go through some more of your poetry and writing this evening as i have been doing my best to keep up with all of this but my days are pretty busy so the evenings and nights are my only oppertunity. I myself am bipolar and find your writing very relatable and inspiring, it gave me a little more hope in sharing my emotions and thoughts over a blog along with the comfort of knowing i am not the only one with these struggles and putting them to paper.

  1. A harsh moment of reality related in beautiful, emotional prose. Your soul shines in your expression of words. It humbles me and connects to my heart. Excellent post. Keep writing.

  2. well wrritten and exceptionally expressive, I admire the nakedness of the piece, I had to read it again as it was quite remarkable. Very best wishes, keep writing!
    Baldy ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. There was a lot I could relate to here, with young children of my own, trying to scale ‘Mount Ironing’ and finding the summit overlooks the land of ‘Does the cleaning never end?’. Our busy lives encumbered with thoughts and feelings, concerns and emotion. I liked the style of your writing and had complete empathy with the wondering about the onlooking strangers, curious if someone could read my thoughts and if a certain someone was waiting to jump in out of the shadows and be as devastating as before. I felt for you when i read this, which shows your ability toengage your reader. You are not alone. You are not alone in your fear, in this life or any other. Chin up, your world is about to become beautiful.
    Magic picture of you with your daughter, looks like you are out making memories for her, a treasure. Kind regards, Baldy ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. Naomi, I have heard many heart wrenching stories like yours. I am following your blog and hope you will find peace and safety. If you ever want to contact me privately, please do. I admire you and the strength that you have shown in such difficult circumstances.

    We all want the same things: happiness and freedom from suffering.

    Love to you and your daughter,
    Dennis

  5. Hey! thanks for stopping by my blog. You write beautifully and I love the photography of your child. I can identify with a lot of your pain and feeling that you experience. Thank you for sharing it openly.<3

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