Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day has come and nearly gone, my stomach has been uneasy for the past few days now but today my heart was heavy as well. I cannot help but feel as though I have missed it, missed the day but more importantly the point of the day. I constantly feel selfish for having expectations. I learned very early on in life that expectations are merely a way of allowing the people around you to let you down yet more often than not I still hold these expectations, or hopes I suppose. As a single mother I have learned that wants and needs are two very different things and I have strived to be the mother I want to be while balancing other motherly duties, household duties, and providing for myself and my daughter. Today I would have loved to spend the day with my mother and daughter celebrating motherhood and all the challenges that come along with it but I was not able to because my responsibilities had to come first. Nearly every Sunday for the last four years I have dropped my daughter off at my mothers house for the day while I then went on to work but for some reason this Sunday proved to be a little more difficult than the last or any other before. I was not even aware at first that I was going to feel so lost today without my family, but that is in fact exactly how I felt from the moment I embraced my mother with our Mother’s Day hug this morning. I felt completely disappointed in myself for a few reasons, number one not realizing how important this day was and not preparing myself for the apparent feelings to come. Number two for feeling slightly bitter towards my family for not including me in their time together today, though I was going to have to work either way, so I am aware that it was unreasonable to feel this way which is why I feel so disappointed in myself. Number 3 for lingering in my feelings about this, instead of moving on with my day and making it the best it could have been I let my feelings bring me down and overwhelm me for the majority of the day. I have the tendency to feel these things, but my reasonable mind can usually help me past them I was just ill prepared and had not taken the time to realize how I would feel so it came abruptly without warning. I am on the other hand quite happy that my daughter is young enough that she does not quite grasp the meaning of Mother’s Day so she was not affected by me missing it for work and that she had a wonderful day with her Nana and Auntie and all of her cousins, that in itself helped bring a sense of satisfaction to me. As my day came to an end she filled my ears with stories of all their adventures and the fantastic time she had, she wrapped her tiny arms around my neck as I carried her into bed she gave me four extra kisses, long hugs and told me happy Mother’s Day before she drifted off into her dreamland. 

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