To my dear K.D,
My child, my world, we struggle. I know that you may not remember me, the person who sits here in this moment writing to you, not the person I will become as you and I grow side by side. We all seek answers about our lives and our pasts as we get older and you should be aware that some questions just cannot be answered to the degree we would like. I am 23 years old and you are 3. You are young and full of life and energy, as am I. we are making our way in this world together, not perfectly by any means but the only way we know how.
Everything in our apartment is my size and there is a smaller your size pink version of each thing, the kitchen and then your little pink kitchen, our dinner table and chairs and your miniature white and pink table and chairs, my big and very useful vacuum and again your smaller less useful vacuum, my laptop resting on the arm of the couch and your little pink laptop computer sitting right next to mine. When I look around our home and I see everything I have and I see that you have all of the matching things fit for you and I realize that the same applies to you and I as people. When you look up I am the one you see, mommy always walking around in her sweatshirt with her hood up and when I look behind me and there you are, following step by step in your little pink sweatshirt with your hood up, I smile then you smile and we carry on. Sometimes my time is all I have to give you, and I do the best I can to recognize all of that time is more precious and worthy then you or I will probably ever realize.
You said to me this evening as we were in the car driving home from your nana’s house that you were going to live me nana and uncle Johnny, when I asked you why you explained “because you are going to leave me and move out and ill have to live with them” I quickly responded “honey I will never leave you or move away from you I love you and you are my whole world, why would you think that?” you replied “because moms leave” I nearly cried and found myself speechless for a moment then we had a long talk about what it means to be a mother and a daughter and this is all I can say…
I am only human, though sometimes I believe that being a mother makes some woman more like Superhero’s. Just the same, I do get overwhelmed from time to time, I curse in front of you only to hear it repeated back to me in a smaller more adorable voice followed by my feelings of guilt and shame for letting frustrations get the best of me in the moment. I have forgotten important things here and there and made due with what we had. I have fed you way too much Mac ’N cheese and spaghetti O’s after late nights at work. I have kept you up far past your typical bedtime just to fit a little extra time into the day to spend with you. I have let you sleep in late, or maybe I was just letting myself sleep in a little which then caused our schedule to be way off and made for a rough day or two getting back on track. I have let you get away with more mischief then I probably should have and I have yelled at you in the heat of the moment forgetting that you are just three, but I have always been there for you, I have held you every time you cried, taught you to shake it off when you fall down or get “only a little” hurt, put band-aids on your skinned knees and scraped elbows, put ice on your goose eggs, built forts as big as our living room, had tea parties and dance parties, baked cookies or made cupcakes with you for every holiday or even just because we wanted to, laughed so hard tickling you, watching and listening to you laugh that I probably came close to peeing my pants, spent mornings, evenings and even days at the beach or park or just cuddling on the couch watching cartoons and eating junk food with you. You have spent hours talking and I have spent hours listening and vise versa. I held your hand on your first day of school and told you that it was going to be great, and indeed it was. I tell you I love you several times a day even when you are grumpy and tell me you don’t love me, I hug you and kiss you until you giggle, I clean up your messes and thank goodness sometimes you even help. We are learning together to be thankful for everything we have in this life and cherish all of what we each find to be important and I am enjoying every moment of it. I will never leave you, I will always be your mommy I will always be the best I can be for you and you will always be my little girl my, whole world, the reason I wake up every morning, my pride, my joy and truly my everything.
You are an amazing child, so capable and independent yet loving and sweet at the same time. You are intelligent and clever and a real social butterfly so talkative and opinionated even at just three and sometimes you can be a bit of a diva. You are compassionate and realistic with an imaginative side and a tender heart. You have tremendous goals and aspirations especially for a 3 year old. You are respectful and polite while also being exuberant and entertaining. Simply put, you my child, are beautiful inside and out.