Split (Part I)

Often I feel as though there are two of me, not two cognitive beings but two very unfamiliar voices without identities, which without doubt has me questioning who I might actually be. Down past the painted masks, the guilt, the fears, the bruises, the scars, the uncontrollable elation, the incessant thoughts, the depths of depression, the anxiety, the paranoia, the whispers, the darkness, the helplessness, the euphoria, the sporadic bursts of emotion, and the invincibility. Could there possibly be someone there? Untouched, untainted by these things I assumed to be my whole. “Who is she, what is she like, is her memory that of mine? I wonder.  Admitting I am a mess proves to be fairly impossible, but so much as the thought of medication is beyond terrifying. Somehow I wake up day after day believing I can start new, all the while knowing there in my mind, is a battlefield, and some days I do not feel at all. Am I not worthy of such a life, one where I shall choose the battles I face and how I conquer them.  Am I bound to feel undeserving for each moment I live and each embrace I accept.  Am I flawed more or no less than those who surround me. Am I to set in motion each soul that carries me. Am I to allow myself forgiveness for the wicked my mind has endured. 

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46 thoughts on “Split (Part I)

  1. Hi Naiomi. Interesting post and glad you like my Blog.
    . Yes, I agree, the mind is a battlefield and a mess. You are not alone on that score! And it can be a frightening, terrifying mess, I agree. Mindfulness starts from there as a starting point, but then encourages us to find the inner calm – the clarity and stillness that exists within us all (even if that might seem fanciful from where you’re sitting!). Through practising meditation and mindful living, it’s possible for that inner stillness to become a more pervasive part of our lives. I suggest you give it a try. If you’re interested, Jon Kabat-Zinn is excellently clear on the matter. This video taught me a lot

    http://www.youtube.com/watchv=gViiux9ANMk&list=PLx6Hostc7EgCMQPN4DA6l_bs_nc5uXD7X&index=4.

    Good luck and keep up the good work.

  2. I don’t know the troubles you are facing on a specific level, but I do pray that you can find freedom from the plagues of your mind. Your last line “Am I to allow myself forgiveness for the wicked my mind has endured” is a huge struggle for me. When I see how dark my mind can get, I see no way for forgiveness. I’m still searching for the freedom too, which I know can be found in the saving grace of Jesus, but it still doesn’t take away from the struggle of learning how to forgive yourself. It took me awhile to admit I was a mess, and even longer to get on medication, but I have seen the benefits of both. Blessings to you as you journey through these painful experiences.

    -Random Blogger

    • Radom Blogger,
      My Troubles are that of many and few alike. Some days are more difficult than others. my blog, my writing, that is my coping mechanism. i am not always accompanied by the darkness that happened to be lurking over me in the very moment these words came to paper, but i have spent most of my life with a grey cloud following me around and my hooded sweatshirt covering my mind like an imagined shield. thank you very much for your caring and concerned response and it means probably more than you will know. it is always nice to have someone listen and really hear what you are saying and even relate to it. 🙂 Thanks again. Blessing to you.

  3. Hey Naomi, thanks so much for following my blog. Wishing you all the best, let me know if you want to talk ❤ Eliana

    • I am always up for talking Eliana so if you ever have any questions or comments please feel free to share, i am fairly open and up for discussion. Thank you for your comment and reading my post.
      -Naomi

  4. im sorry for whatever you are and have gone through
    youre very strong to wake up each day with the thought
    that you can start new even though you know whats
    there in your mind it takes alot of strength i think to keep
    waking up with that thinking you do deserve good things
    but i understand how you may feel you dont
    forgiving ourselves is not an easy thing i can not see
    how i can do such a thing but maybe one day you will be
    able to and so will i and others that are facing similar
    situations youre a very good writer i hope it helps you to
    put all this down and i wish you good things

  5. I have always thought there were 2 of me. I am a Gemini, and find myself really relating to the dual nature of my star sign. I find I have the “crowd” me and the ” solitude” me. I have looked at myself to see if either are undamaged but they aren’t. When I am in the darkness, I can’t really deal with the crowd me, and the solitude me becomes this morose monster, of depression, over thinking and utter exhaustion. When I am in the too bright light stage, crowd me can get a bit egotistic, but within reasonable boundaries so as not to make a total twit of myself, and solitude me becomes creative, but also an insomniac. When I said both sides are damaged, I know this to be true because when I was in the darkest part of my now defunct relationship, solitude me was the one cowering in the room, hiding, in fear. Crowd me was covering up what was going on, and was in denial.
    I think one thing that is helping me is getting it out there what happened, and obviously hearing the life stories of people like yourself who have gone through similar things. I think currently I find myself in a place where I need to discuss the horrors of my past life to move forward, to deal with them once and for all, so that they don’t define who I am forever. They are only a part of my life, They are not the good times I had before them, and they are not going to be the rest of my life.

  6. I’ve suffered from the conflicts of my two sides my whole life. Even now I find complete emotional balance nearly impossible. I say ‘nearly’ because, once there, I feel comfortable in either extreme. For me, it’s the burst into extrovert me, and the slide into introvert me that is most painful. I’m physically busiest when socially connected, starting many projects but finishing few. I’m most creative in dark space. Your words resonate. 😊

  7. Hi, very powerful words and I’m sure its tough to be living this way. Not knowing all that you are going through but just a small suggestion: try positive self talk. It may help it may not but its a start. HTH

  8. I have come to understand that the human race as a whole have double personality. Forget what psychatrists have said about the disorder. We all live with it continuously in a daily lives. From the moment we wake to the time we go lay, we all have blips of altered personalities. For most of us can control & hide under it while the rest of us, it seems it has gotten hold of us & manifest itself whenever it feels as to. Take not of my statement IT SEEMS. This means, you can get back your life in control. The worse thing most of us can do is to accept the drugs/medications the establishment are giving us to further damage the function of our brains. The main tip I would recommend anyone is instead of seeking medical help, you could consider seeking spiritual help. It worked for me at least after years of intense medication. This is this state of Consciousness.

    thanks for such a nice post.
    Stay bless & keep inspiring.
    Simply Me
    peace!

  9. It is possible that the voice is a telepathic link. You can attempt to build a firewall around it while you meditate or whatever. I get them too, although normally (?) I can tell they are imaginary. Usually (?) Only during insomnia withdrawal or twistedness.

  10. Glad I discovered your blog, which I wouldn’t have if you hadn’t discovered mine first. Thank you. Great post! Unfortunately I understand some of the battles you described. I hate what my own mind puts me through every day, but it’s all I know. The battlefield is a familiar scene. I suspect we have a similar strategy. Writing is important to me. For some reason my own words make it possible to cope, sort of. It may not feel like I’m winning, but at least I’m still here.

  11. I’ve been through this too. It doesn’t happen to me anymore though. I don’t know if one thing changed or the cumulative effect of everything I did. I think it’s the latter. My strongest words are *I AM* ~
    You say those voices are underneath all the first layers of yourself. Underneath all those voices is a person so expansive and power–and peaceful!! Peaceful. *I AM* is her.

  12. As one who suffers from bi-polar I love the expression of your pain, conflict, hope and love through your art and talent. Keep writing!

  13. Insightful post. I have depression and I can identify re: feeling like the mind is a battlefield. Some days are worse than others. Writing helps me get through it.
    Keep on writing:)

    MJ

  14. I often think the same: that there are actually three ‘me’s’: the manic, the depressed & the ‘normal’. I know that most people don’t struggle with their emotions & sensitivity, but I also know that they have also given me a lot of positive traits & experience. I’ve found that taking each day as a whole & letting go of the tomorrows & yesterdays really helps…when I remember!

  15. Wow… this is a potent expression. I can relate to what you experience in some ways (acknowledging your journey is unique… and not to make this about me!)- I live with bipolar I disorder and it can be a beast for sure. The struggles fought inside our minds- just to participate in reality and actually feel a part of it as a bonus- a definite challenge to say the least. You are not alone in your fight- not that that ever comforts me that much- but although the disorder has been crippling most of my life (diagnosis as 26- now 38)- there is hope for a “normal” life – partly based on a redefined notion of “normal”! I finally became med compliant 11 years after receiving the diagnosis I tried to outrun- and it has made a serious difference in my quality of life. Attempted suicide in 2007 and that scared me straight – since then I suck down the meds they give me a lot easier! Acceptance- that’s the hard part… surrender… even harder. Meds aren’t for everyone- and what a pain the trial and error process to find the right ones is! I wish you the best – you sharing your story is one way to turn tragedy into triumph (as cliché as that sounds as I write it!). Unimaginable darkness touches much of our lives in devastating ways and it sounds like you’ve had your share- but today can be a day of light where that darkness can’t control us. Keep writing and sharing your journey- many can benefit from it. Your poetry is great too! Will enjoy following your blog.

  16. Thank you so much for your add. all of the work you have posted is rich in words, I admire the way you write and am glad you happened to like my writings as well! I look forward to reading all of your posts in the future and can only hope you’ll do the same! May writing living on!

  17. Your story is inspiring. I work with a number of people in your situation and have an idea of your struggles. I watched the following TED talk recently and was inspired by this woman’s courage. If ever you have a moment, perhaps it may encourage you.

    http://www.ted.com/talks Eleanor Longden – The Voices in My Head

    Don’t stop writing. And your little girl sounds delightful.

    Regards
    Jade

  18. I loved this! I can really relate to the feeling of conflict. Fighting for the part of you that holds your past. I am astounded at your ability to connect the dots. I believe you are on your way to greatness! Your words are epic! They draw me in! Waiting for part 2!

  19. Powerful integrity in your words and your soul. The journey is difficult when the mind only wants to go down dark paths. Continue to be honest and express yourself. You are touching a lot of people.

    Thanks for liking my blog.

  20. Hello Naiomi. I came upon your blog from another person’s blog that follows you after I had searched out other people like me (borderline personality and bipolar) so that I may get a better understanding of them from others who actually deal with the disorders instead of always feeling like I am being “told about myself and others” from my current psychiatrist. Reading Split Part 1 could not have come at a more perfect time for me. You seem to have been able to say everything that my mind just cannot at this point. I feel like everything I want to say is still trapped inside me right now and all that comes spewing out is everything my psych has force fed me over the past couple years. I have been on meds for so long that I have forgotten what it was like to be without them (not to mention the hell my mind can put me through) and what it was like to try to let my mind work naturally instead of with medication. Honestly I’m still not sure I like it yet. I’m not sure I like myself without my meds. It has been a little over a month and half since I went into an anger filled rampage and flushed my meds and more (no I’m not proud of my actions or my words but it happens) and every single day since then has just felt like a long winding spiral and there is just no end in sight. I completely understand being split. All too well. Anyway, I just wanted to stop by and say thank you for writing out what I and others out there couldn’t.

  21. This is exactly how I felt last night but I couldn’t put it into words. Now coming across and reading this and just wow. Crystal.

  22. Your words touched me deeply and the Spirit of Jesus’ love prompted me to comment. No matter the struggle or how deep the scars…there is healing in the power of his love. Just know it is his love that makes us whole. I have walked through the darkness of the very life you have described but I want to encourage you that there is a wondrous light just beyond the darkness. Move forward knowing that there is joy and peace awaiting you. I am praying that the love and peace of Jesus will sustain you through the darkest of nights.

  23. Extremely interesting and beautifully honest thought process, but not unfamiliar. If you breakdown and share portions of these things with people who “care” about you they all say the sane things. “Of course you’re worth it,” and “there is someone out there that is absolutely meant for you just keep your head up and be positive you will see.” I don’t know if they are right. I have yet to bare all because just sharing a portion is met with lack of understanding or the thought that I need professional help. All of that being said, keep expressing in other ways such as this and I hope you find the one that will fill that void and answer the questions.

  24. Candid and expressive post. Thank you for sharing your feelings and emotions. It helps for people to know that they are not alone (and indeed you are not alone!) in experiencing this kind of pain. Especially the complexity of it.

  25. As sad as this may seem to write this, I’m glad to have read this because you are not alone, and it reassured that neither am I.
    I share the same thoughts that tear you apart.
    Besides that, it was was a lovely written post. Thanks for sharing.

  26. Hi there and thanks for following my un paid blog. Read your poetry, it´s not my speciality but for whatever it´s worth I liked it. The theme is a somewhat of a tortured soul, but at the same time it seems there is a common theme that tortured souls tend to be creative and good writers. Truman Capote, Jack Kerouack,William S. Borough. Nice to come across your blog.

  27. I agree with what Journey In Rhyme has to say. Redefining what “normal” and understanding my condition (bipolar, borderline and DID along with cluster B) has kept me out of a mid-way home. Finding support while battling is the toughest part since most people dont understand and think you are just exaggerating about things that even they face. I am on medication which really really help but they have their side effects too. Delaying a pill one day makes me switch uncontrollably. My memory seems to be affected and other similar problems. Again, this would depend on the medication, the period of consumption, etc… I wish you good luck. And do let me know when we can chat. Its really comforting to not feel so lonely.

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